It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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