I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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