he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
