My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
