you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
