Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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