I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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