Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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