Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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