i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
