Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
