my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
