A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
