It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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