Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
