he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
