Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
