Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize