Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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