Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
