I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
