Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
