Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
