I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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