my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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