Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
