I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
