i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
