i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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