i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
sarcasm needs its own font
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
