I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize