I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my sisters under your porch take her home
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
