This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
