I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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