I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
