If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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