I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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