It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
