I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
