dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
