Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
