the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
