Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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