so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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