I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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