No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
