Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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