He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
