If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
