just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
