the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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