JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
