Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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