His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
