Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
false alarm, still single
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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