So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
