I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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