No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize