I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
