Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
