Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
